Seeing this Now

Now that we're less than a year from the end of Eliot's treatment I have a different perspective on things.

Now I can let the terror of all of this sink in. Just a little bit more.

Tonight while driving home I had this huge realization that I've believed it is my job as a mom to protect my kids.

Not hover over them and attend to every potential scrape and bug-bite.

Protect.

Keep safe.

Determine what kind of things they're exposed to and what not.

That kind of protect.

The horror of the fact that leukemia got past me. Got in. Got all of us on my watch hit me.

My powerlessness in the face of this.

My horror that it is here. Got Eliot and got Naomi.

Got us.

That hit me.

How could I let it in.

I couldn't keep it away.

Like the big strong hands of the rock guy in The Never Ending Story. I couldn't hold them. Couldn't keep it out.

Never could have.

Never. Ever. Could have.

++++

note: I realize there is more to this story. That I have protected them from so many things. The things I could protect them from. The things I could control. That of course I was powerless with that and have been powerful with so many other things.

I get that.

And I get that this got through. It did. And that is just a fact.