Kisses

Well before Eliot was born I was spending some time with his God Mommy Kesha and her son Will. Will was an infant and Kesha was kissing him like crazy. She said she was so happy to have a son of her own so she could kiss him whenever she wanted to.

At the time I was still not terribly interested in having kids of my own and couldn't comprehend wanting to kiss a baby that much.

When Eliot came along I gave him lots of smooches. Naomi too.

It was just at thing. Not something terribly special. Special. Not terribly special.

Then when Eliot was diagnosed and particularly when he was on sterroids and now when he is on sterroids (which he isn't today) he makes it very clear that he doesn't want hugs and kisses. He even sometimes wipes them off of himself.

Tonight I leaned over and smooched him and he told me very matter of factly that he didn't feel like getting a kiss right then.

Needing to ration my smooches is a bummer.

And something I'm willing to respect.

Tonight though I realized there will be a time in his life when I can't give him smooches at all. A time when he won't want hugs or kisses. Then he'll move away and I won't see him and then when I do...who knows....he might not want hugs or smooches then either.

So today he is here. Smoochable. Sometimes.

And someday he won't be here. And won't be smoochable.

Now I get Kesha. Thrilled to be able to smooch that kid whenever she wanted to.

When Eliot started rejecting smooches and hugs I realized it was my preview to the teenaged years and beyod.

Tonight I teared up about it a little bit.

Not a lot.

But did tear up.

Good tears.

Reminding myself to enjoy him while he is here.