It Starts Again in the Morning

Tomorrow morning Eliot goes under anesthesia and gets chemo in his spinal cord. After that he'll get a push of chemo in his port and we'll start him on oral chemo tomorrow night. This is what we were supposed to start last week and delayed because of his blood counts.

It feels good to think about getting started on getting this worse part over. Oh wait. That was a lie. It doesn't feel good to me. Even tho I know in my rational brain that this is a good thing its breaking my heart in two sad, lumpy pieces.

Today he ran and goofed around and climbed out of his own bed and under his bed and under Naomi's bed. He climbed up the steps and onto the couch and onto the chair. He talked in a goofy voice. He talked loud. He ran around and laughed. He jumped on Aron.

All normal 2 and a half year old things. Perfectly normal. I could be wrong. Tomorrow could be the same. Most likely tho, he'll be tired, he'll feel a little sore, his feet might feel tingly, he might get a bit crabby again. he might puke. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

They let us out of hell for a week. Tomorrow we're going to walk right back into the flames. It makes me think of using some of the words people have been punching into the game I've been talking about on my other blog.

Oh shit. I'm going to carry my kid right back into hell tomorrow morning. Willingly. Knowingly. I hate this. I. Fucking. Hate. This!