The ish Part of Back-ish
Yesterday I said I'm back-ish. This morning was all about the back part. Despite a bizarre night of sleep that included waking up to something squeaking in our basement (hmmm...mice being born - lets hope not) I felt good. I went to the church to finally send off the Alleluia Booklet - do sign up if you haven't already. It would bring me great joy. I got a little beat up doing that but it was all in good spirits. I came home. I had a productive afternoon. Then after dinner (and oh how I hate being the only parent around the house after dinner) I looked at Naomi who was contentedly playing by herself while Eliot and I goofed around and I thought to myself 'gosh, I wonder if she is happy.'
That sent me into what I'll call a spiral (which is an overly dramatic term) of feeling sad and wondering about her and Eliot and me and what our general happiness level really is. I know logically we're all doing really well. Still emotionally of course shit comes out of me sideways like this.
I'm not terribly happy. Not at least in a pervasive sort of way. I have happy moments lately which are welcome and happen more often than not. Still. Life is all fucked up right now. Its getting better. Better all the time. Still. Its just not all that awesome. Especially after dinner when I'm done being a mom and still have hours left in the day. I want to want to be with my kids. I don't want to want to be somewhere else. Ah yes. Indeed. Such is the ish of the back-ish.
That sent me into what I'll call a spiral (which is an overly dramatic term) of feeling sad and wondering about her and Eliot and me and what our general happiness level really is. I know logically we're all doing really well. Still emotionally of course shit comes out of me sideways like this.
I'm not terribly happy. Not at least in a pervasive sort of way. I have happy moments lately which are welcome and happen more often than not. Still. Life is all fucked up right now. Its getting better. Better all the time. Still. Its just not all that awesome. Especially after dinner when I'm done being a mom and still have hours left in the day. I want to want to be with my kids. I don't want to want to be somewhere else. Ah yes. Indeed. Such is the ish of the back-ish.
posted by Sara at 8:32 PM
2 Comments:
Ah, the joys of being the "full-time"/ at-home parent - especially with a spouse that works erratic hours!
I knowhow hard it is - can be. I I did it with healthy kids and no looming worries about health and the medication induced whining, neediness to make things even more of a challenge.
Don't have any magic words for you here - just know that you can make it through this, find what space you can through out the day, ask for help when you need it, get together with friends when you can.... Keep doing what you are doing - seeing the wonder and miracle that is your children, your life and the gifts that you are bringing to others through your blog.
Prayers for you... sending a virtual hug, too. You did Lent and now you're still having to walk this uncertain path in Easter-tide. I just signed up for the Alleluia booklet. I will look forward to seeing where it goes.
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