Here it Is - Anger

Months ago I wrote here that I wasn't feeling angry about Eliot having cancer.

That's over. I think its probably been over for some time now. I just didn't realize it until last night.

I'm so pissed off.

I'm so angry that Eliot has to suffer. I'm super pissed that his precious life is in danger. I'm angry that he felt sick so long. I'm angry that he'll have to feel sick some more. I'm mad that he has to have spinal taps and take medicine and get poked in his port.

I'm angry that the scheduling people and even worse the check-in people at the clinic can't seem to get their shit together. I'm angry that we always, always wait forever in the waiting room. I'm angry (and I admit this is pretty much stupid) that I've been at the mercy of others - I'm such an independent idiot that its hard for me.

Mostly. Mostly I'm totally full of rage that my baby boy has cancer. I'm pissed that he has fucking leukemia.

And. My heart is broken. Broken all over the place. I can't honestly believe it still pumps blood.

I guess in the Kubler-Ross stages of grief world I've now passed stage 2. Well. Not passed stage two. I've now realized in in stage two. Anger. Anger. Anger. And. Heart break.

I bet it was in this stage that whoever designed this t-shirt on Cafe Press did it. What a precise statement. Beautiful. Just beautiful. Fuck cancer.