When Am I Going to Get Sick Mama?

Tonight Naomi asked me when she is going to get sick.

I clarified.

Me: Sick like Eliot?

Naomi: Yes.

Me: Sick like a runny nose and a cough like Eliot or cancer like Eliot?

Naomi: Cancer like Eliot.

That was what I was afraid she was asking. How long, I wondered, has she been anticipating getting sick like Eliot. After all she does everything else he does and usually a lot sooner than this cancer thing has panned out. How long has she been waiting for this?

Me: You're not going to get cancer Naomi.

Naomi: Why?

Her why was confused. Goodness. Why not?

And Eliot added his own question.

Eliot: What is my cancer Mama.

Then I realized. I don't think we usually say cancer. We don't usually say much. But we usually say leukemia.

Me: I guess I should have said leukemia Eliot. Naomi isn't going to get leukemia.

Eliot: What is leukemia?

Me: Well you take medicine every night and have a port and have procedures because you used to have leukemia and now you're in treatment for it Eliot. Not all kids do that.

Eliot: Why not Mama?

Me: Not all kids get leukemia.

Naomi: Will I get leukemia Mama?

Me: No Naomi, you won't get leukemia.

As I answered that I hoped that my statement was true. 100% true. I have thought about this. The horror. What if Naomi gets leukemia. Not every time. But many times when Naomi gets over tired I get a little horrified feeling...what if this is leukemia and we have to start all over again.

Eliot: Why don't all kids get leukemia?

Me: Not all kids do Eliot. Most kids don't.

I could feel his brain churning on that one. Huh? Not all kids have leukemia? Not all kids will? I'm not just having my turn at this...like I had my turn at learning to poop in the potty...like I have my turn of learning to ride a bike? Huh?

Eliot: Will Dora get leukemia?

Me: No.

In my head: I really hope not. It isn't genetic. She won't. Right. She won't.

Me: Eliot, Dora won't get leukemia.

They both were quiet. Thinking.

This whole thing is entering their consciousnesses. When Eliot was diagnosed I instantly did the math. Will the kids remember this I wondered? I hoped not.

I think they will.

I think they're old enough.

They'll both remember some of this experience.

I wonder what they will remember.

I wonder how much space leukemia will take up in their futures.

I've heard from so many people that this will mold the kids. Will give Eliot a deep maturity. A depth. A calm. A wise understanding. Naomi, compassion. Perhaps a feeling put out at being 3rd fiddle to Eliot's 1st and 2nd fiddle.

Who knows.

For now.

Naomi knows she won't be participating in what she thought was a regular part of childhood.

And Eliot is now seeing that he isn't either.