A Year Ago

This is Eliot one year to the day before he was diagnosed with leukemia. I can't help but to wonder if he was already sick when these pictures were taken. Aron and I have a theory that he was. Around his first birthday he seemed to stop thriving the way he had when he was really young. He went from the 90th percentile in height and weight to the 20th. He stopped hitting milestones early and started hitting them late. He got super duper clingy. At the time I blamed myself for being too stressed out and thwarting him. I was after all pregnant, nursing and moving for the second time.

Self blame is a waste of time. I hope I can model a lack of that for Eliot and Naomi so they don't do that to themselves. Except of course when they do screw up. Then I hope they take responsibility, make things right and move on.

I made a joke in the hospital about causing Eliot's cancer by yelling at him that one time when he was 9 months old. The doctors got on me right away and told me there is no known cause of this and I can't blame myself. I don't blame myself. I do wonder, a lot, what caused it. I think its super ironic because there are a lot of things I have tried not to do because I thought they could harm Eliot and Naomi. I avoid aspartame even tho its in every diet drink and low fat everything in the world. I try to avoid harsh cleaners even tho they're all over the place. I sort of try to avoid non-stick pans.

Someday I hope they do figure out what causes this so other kids don't live through this incredibly hard, emotionally taxing, physically insane thing. I also hope whatever causes this isn't environmental. Part of me worries about Naomi and hopes she is 'safe'. The doctors say the only reason to be concerned about her is if blood cancer runs in the family - which it doesn't. So mostly I don't wonder. And sometimes I do. Will she make it through without leukemia. Either way she sure is experiencing it.