6 Months Ago

6 months ago my parents and my sisters and brother in law Rob and Nan and Rob's kids came over and we had Christmas.

Naomi was just starting to show her spunky self and held her own during the whole totally wild affair.

Eliot had been feeling tired for a week and had been crying off and on and more on than off for 2 days.

He'd woken up with weird redish purpleish things under his eyes that morning.

After a whole day and before that 2 days of him clinging to me I said the utterly fabulous sentence, "just think Eliot, it could be worse, you could have cancer."

Yup that was 6 months ago.

Amazing how life can change so much, so quickly.

6 months ago right now I assumed I had two basically healthy kids. 6 months ago I had a kid with cancer. Now I don't have a kid with cancer yet I have a kid in cancer treatment.

That is insane.

6 months ago I thought I'd start weaning Naomi from nursing soon. She is still nursing. 6 months ago I thought I'd start training for a marathon soon. I just now started. 6 months ago I thought I was tired. I'm just now feeling rested, sort of.

6 months ago if you would have laid out what we've been through in the past 6 months I would have laughed and cried. I never would have guessed we'd be where we are.

Life is basically good.

I've put on some serious weight which annoys and bothers me.

There has been some stress around here.

I have no clue what I want for a career or life style anymore.

I would have guessed, had I known what I was about to go through that things would be a lot worse now than they are.

Wow. It might feel like crap and it could be a ton worse.

Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit SHIT

At the very last moment when we thought we made it through this first six months basically scott free (what in the world does scott free mean?) we haven't made it through.

We've become so cocky after all of these weeks of Eliot doing so well that we went wild and planned a 2 night (YES 2 NIGHTS) trip away from home, away from the city, away from the kids.

Our plan was to leave in less than an hour.

Eliot has been doing so well, he hasn't taken chemo for 8 days, we almost even skipped his appointment today so we could have an even longer trip away.

Luckily we didn't do that.

Aron just called from the clinic. For the first time since he was in the hospital Eliot needs to get a transfusion.

Today. Today of all days. When we were going away.

When we were going away together without the kids for the first time since Eliot was born.

This is nothing to be alarmed about. Its expected. Its not a surprise. Its especially fine since Eliot has been feeling so good.

In the doctors words - its more of a surprise that this hasn't happened sooner.

So we'll take Eliot back to the clinic today at 1pm - 1pm when Aron and I were supposed to be eating lunch at the New Scenic Cafe and playing footsie.

I'm guessing we'll be at the clinic for 2 - 3 hours.

By then it will be rush hour.

I don't know what it means for at least this night of our weekend away.

Now is one of those times when I should remind myself how lucky we've been. This is the first time. We're so close to the end. Eliot feels well. Next week starts maintenance.

I don't feel lucky right now. I feel really bummed. I feel really sad. I feel really surprised.

Someday I'll feel lucky that this only happened once. Sometimes it happens so often for kids that their bodies start to resist other people's blood - or they at least have to get concerned about that.

That hasn't happened to us. And for that we are lucky.

I just don't feel lucky at all right now.

Shit

Shit

Shit

Shit

Shit

Shit

SHIT!

Words Are Never Enough

I continue to not know what to say about this kid.

She is so determined.

About an hour ago she was trying to climb up on the chair in the living room. She is so close to being able to do it. I threw her a pillow and suggested she stand on that to climb up. She screamed and cried and picked up the pillow and brought it back to me. Its about half as long as she is. Carrying that thing for her is like me carrying two big, bulky sleeping bags is for me.

She knows what she wants. She knows how she thinks she is going to get it. She only takes help when she is ready and when she is ready she lets us know in no uncertain terms that it is expected and its expected right now.

She is also sweet. She shares. She shares food. The other day she took two pieces of Life Cereal out of the box and gave them to me before she took her own.

She is a mystery. A mystery I expect I'll never solve.

2 Major Milestones

Yesterday Eliot drank out of a hose for the very first time that I've ever seen. Check it out. Just like a pro.

Today Eliot peed in the lilac bush in our front yard. He asked to do it, found the right spot and peed in the lilac bush. Just as nature and living on a very busy street intended it.

Silly me tried to show him how to take aim. Later when I told Aron about that he laughed. Apparently I should know that little boy's penises don't really need to be aimed when peeing in a bush.

Filthy is Best

My diaper is covered in mud and full of about a pound of water. I loooooooooooove playing in the muddy kiddie pool

School

On my run this morning I ran by our local elementary school during the time of the day when kids are dropped off by buses and parents.

Every time I run by at that time of the day my heart feels a little squooshed.

Someday I'll take my kids to school.

I'm full of so many emotions about that whole time in their lives.

If I'm honest it will be such a relief to have them somewhere for large chunks of time so I can work or rest or do whatever I might someday do during that time.

Mostly tho I worry.

They are such precious people.

And I loved school. Absolutely loved school. I loved it so much that I miss it a lot now and fantasize about going back to become Dr. Sara something.

I also feel like school is kind of a sucky place for a little soul.

All of the rows and wasted time and general crowding and bullies and just all of that stuff that happens there.

I feel protective of them.

Its silly. And its not.

And thank goodness its not happening in the next year.

I get to practice watching them go and get built up and squooshed down and freed and trained and all of that school-y kind of stuff.

Thank God there is time between now and then.

That Kid Has No Hair

It finally happened. For real.

A kid who was about 5 was looking at Eliot in the co-op yesterday and said, loudly, and while pointing, "that kid has no hair."

His father grabbed his arm and pulled him away and said something like - get over here and be quiet.

I looked at the dad right in the face and said, "Its okay."

He was already burning rubber away from us.

I knelt down in the freezer section at the co-op and asked Eliot if he heard what the kid said and Eliot said he did. "Kid say, Eliot have no hair."

I asked him how he felt about it. And Eliot said "good" which is pretty much his response to all questions about how he feels.

I told him the kid was curious about Eliot's bald head that is just like Jesse's (our awesome bald neighbor).

Later I asked Eliot again if he remembered what the kid said in the co-op, or maybe Eliot brought it up, I can't remember. Either way, he did remember what the kid said.

I had to actually stop myself from telling Eliot that the kid was curious about him because he looks different. During this entire experience, even when Eliot's face puffed up to the size of a hot air balloon, we never told him he looked different and he never seemed to feel like he looked different.

So even tho I imagine it is true that the kid was curious about him because he looks different I didn't actually tell him he looks different.

This feels like one of the first of many, many times as a mom that I'll have to choose my words carefully and spontaneously and then sit back and hope what I did was at least in the neighborhood of helpful to Eliot and/or Naomi's soul.

Where We Are

I've been dragging butt on posting lately. I'm not sure why.

I'll say this. Eliot has been without chemo now for over a week. We're in the blessed 2 week break between his first 6 months of intensive treatment and his final 3 year of maintenance treatment.

Sigh. Breathe.

Did you hear that?

Right now we're in the last week or so of his intensive treatment.

On June 21st we'll start maintenance.

Maintenance is what we've been shooting for since December 18th.

Maintenance will be here soon. Very. Very soon.

At our appointment on Thursday all they did was check his labs. They just took his blood from his finger. They didn't even need to access his port.

It turns out that his hemoglobin and neutrophils were very low. You'd never know it tho. He is energetic, opinionated, talkative, loving, silly, imaginative and basically a 2 year old going on 3.

Its unbelievable. Its un-freaking believable.

Its beautiful.

These Are The Days

Soon enough I'll have a hard time remembering the anxiety provoking and insane days in the hospital, the days I didn't know if I'd ever figure out how to give Eliot his medicine, the painfully long days after painfully sleepless nights, the bald head.

Soone nough today and days like today are what I'll remember of Eliot and Naomi's childhoods.. We went fishing with Gramma and Grampa. Then we went out for lunch. Then we came home and Eliot and Naomi and I all took extremely long naps. Then we ate dinner. Yes I cooked and the kids ate what I cooked.

Then we played outside and talked to neighbors and laughed.

Then Aron was home to put the kids to bed.

I caught about 8 fish this morning. I haven't caught a fish in years. I had more fun doing that than I've had in longer than I can remember. I had a genuinely good time. And the kids did too. And so did Aron.

I think we turned a corner.

And just writing this I'm tearing up. I can breathe. I can breathe. Life is slowing down. I can breathe. I can laugh. I'm crying.

Thank you God. Seriously. Thank you.

Just Before The Bite

Aron caught this picture several weeks ago. See how peaceful Naomi looks and I look. It was so much fun to sit in the chair with the kids and have Aron around.

What neither Naomi nor I (Aron didn't realize it either) is that right as this picture was snapped Eliot was getting ready to bite the heck out of Naomi's finger. See it there.

Just a fraction of a second after the camera did its thing I felt Naomi tense up and then she screamed. She screamed as only Naomi can scream.

Out of nowhere that day Eliot just took a bite right out of her finger.

I was going to make a big philosophical statement about how sometimes life just bites you right in the....well right in the finger. And how if you could go back and see yourself just before that moment you might be surprised at what you see. And that is all true.

I'm just too freaking tired today to really say it in any sort of articulate way.

Kisses

Naomi is a full-on in your face mouth kisser.

Just a few days ago she all of a sudden gave Aron a kiss when he asked for it.

Now when someone asks for a kiss she goes around the room giving everyone a kiss.

Earlier today she even went to give Eliot a kiss which he forcefully refused with a look of disgust on his face.

Which surprised me because he is a pretty generous kisser.

Although he has always been a cheek kisser. I think mainly because Aron and I always kiss him on the cheeks and forehead and chin and belly.

Neither of us are really into the kids kissing on the mouth thing.

Not that Naomi would notice or care really. She just gets in and kisses us right on the mouth. No head tilt either. Nose to the face, forehead right in your eye, lips on lips.

No noise. No smooch. Just a little face smash really.

Gawd damn she is one cute little kid.