Naomi's Easter Dress

Yes indeed Easter was several weeks ago. Somehow getting photo's off the camera has been falling by the way side.

You can sort of get a taste of Naomi in her amazing Easter dress. A friend sent this dress to Naomi when she was born and I've been waiting forever to get her in it. I'm just blown away by how adorable she is anyway.

Adding the dress just makes it almost too much to handle.

4 Down

Assuming we sleep through the night we made it through 4 days of steroids with great success. Woot!

Eliot was a little more crabby, a little more clingy today. Still. It was livable and fun and a lovely day.

We went to the store with our awesome neighbor Summer and we got a kiddie pool and played in that long enough for a major sun screen slick to be floating around on top of the water.

Tonight when we dumped it out the kids ran around and played in the major mud puddle formerly known as the dust pile also loosely referred to as our front yard.

We've been having normal, fun days.

Tomorrow Eliot has his final peg asperiginase shot. He has done fine with his others. It has some scary side effects too - the most alarming being anaphylactic shock.

I'm feeling pretty calm about the whole thing.

Its nice to say he is getting his last of a drug.

Damn.

Its really nice to say.

His last shot of peg asperiginase.

His last. His last. His very last one.

17 more days of steriods to go, 46 more days of delayed intensification.

June 21st baby here we come!

When Did She Turn into a Kid?

She was a baby a year ago. I know she was still a baby last August. Somewhere since then she turned into a kid.

An exceptionally gross and cute and amazing little bye bye saying, bye bye waving kid who likes to stick her finger up cold wet doggie noses.

What God Sends in Small Packages

Small. Yogurt and other sticky stuff covered packages that is.

Eliot Last Wednesday

What was I thinking? That they'd give Eliot his medicine and he'd instantly fall to pieces. I took this picture last Wednesday on what I thought would be his hairiest, happiest day for a long time. It turns out that wasn't the case. He still continues his downright boot-camp-ish level of hair coverage (which in our household is very hairy these days) and totally 2 year old energy.


Warning. The next post says all of this same stuff in a much more boring way with different pictures.

I'm tired right now so I'm not going to consolidate.

Welcome to my writing process.

Taken Wednesday

I took this picture on Wednesday. It was Eliot's last day before this last intense part begins. I wanted to catch this moment in time. Eliot with what today seems like lots of hair. Eliot smiling. Eliot energetic. Eliot in a good mood.

It turns out the hair and the energy are still here and the good mood is basically here too, mostly, today.

Yeah!


This picture of Naomi was taken the same morning. I think technically Naomi has more hair than Eliot right now. Hers is a bit longer than his. Its so light colored and fine tho that it seems like they have the same amount of hair.

Someone asked me the other day if they're twins.

3 Down 18 To Go

Today marked the 3rd day on steroids. I haven't yet slept through the night tonight. If I do that will officially mark 3 days down 18 to go.

Eliot was a little more clingy today. A little more indecisive. A little more edgy.

He spent most of the day with Uncle Luke and Grampa and from the sounds of things it was a good day.

The time we spent together was generally lovely. He still has his hair. He still seems happy.

Naomi is still getting attention.

I like this. I like this. I like this very much.

Things Said To Naomi Today

Here is a sampling of things I've said to Naomi today. She has now been awake for 3 and a half hours.

Shoes go on the floor not in the garbage can.

Dirt goes on the ground. Not in your mouth.

Slow down little one so I can wipe your snotty nose that is running into your mouth.

Its easier to climb onto the chair if you pull it away from the table first.

Worms don't go in your mouth!

Ayot Happy Daddy

I thought of also calling this 1 down 20 to go.

What seemed insurmountable yesterday seems totally reasonable now.

We need to get through 20 more days of steroids and vincristine and doxorubicin.

We then get a week off.

Then we need to make it through 2 weeks of thigousanine and ARA-C.

Then we get 2 more weeks off.

Then its June 21st and Eliot will get a spinal tap, a push of vincristine and start a 5 day burst of steroids. He'll start up on 6-MP again. He'll be in maintenance.

Six months and three days after he was diagnosed he'll be in maintenance.

In 8 weeks he'll be in maintenance.

Tonight Eliot, Aron and I sat down for a little pre-bed-time snack of yummy Life Cereal and Aron was asking Eliot how he feels. Are you mad Eliot? No. Are you sad Eliot? No. Are you frustrated Eliot? No. Are you happy Eliot? pause

Ayot Happy Daddy!!!

So today I'm happy to report that on at least 1 day of standard delayed intensification Ayot was happy.

20 more days of steroids.

49 more days of standard delayed intensification.

A mazillion more moments of life.

Holy Relief Bat Man

We got started on delayed intensification (the last hard part of the hard part)cold and all.

Eliot had his spinal tap first. He did great during the spinal tap and came out of the anesthesia just fine. He got a little nervous going to sleep and Aron was right there singing to him. It was really quite touching in a beautiful way.

They checked his testicles today because that can be an area where a re-lapse shows itself. All looked well today.

They also brought him some Thomas the train trains that he loved so much that he cried and said he didn't want to leave the sedation center when it was time to go to the clinic.

We were blessed by a surprise visit from our friend Howard at the clinic. He got to be there when we heard the wonderful news that the horrible drug with the heart side effects has more side effects the more you take of it.

They try to keep kids Eliot's age under 450 mL of doxorubicin. Eliot will receive in all total 75 mL of that drug.

Wow. Wow. I feel so relieved. So crazy ass relieved.

There are of course still risks. And its great news.

We also learned that another drug I was worried about (because we have to give it to him 6 times at home - s c a r y) can be given through a port access which they'll just leave in.

Whew.

I thought we'd have to access his port or some crazy thing.

Eliot is upstairs in his bed. I'm a little nervous that I'll go up there in a while to get him from his nap and he will have grown an arm out of his forehead.

He still has 3 more weeks of steroids. They said he probably won't sleep well tonight because we had to double the dosage up since he wasn't able to take any this morning.

Still. He is alive. His heart will most likely be absolutely fine. Someday if he wants he can probably be on the soccer team.

I've always said with his two athletic parents and one of them being a bit hmmm.... how should I say it.... pathological in his love for sports Eliot will probably be interested in things like playing the violin or the piccolo or being on the chess team.

Either way. He'll have a nice healthy heart for those gruelling chess tournaments.

Big Deep Breaths Big Deep Breaths

Tomorrow is the day. Eliot starts the next round of chemo.

The side effects of this round freak me out. They include personality change, heart failure and anaphylactic shock.

The personality change is likely and will be temporary. The others are highly unlikely.

When Eliot's treatment started I didn't read the list of side effects. I assumed I'd know when something was going wrong because all of the medical professionals around us would quickly start acting like something was wrong.

Now. With time. I've faced up to the reality and read the side effects.

I imagine I'll be taking a lot of big deep breaths today. I need to attract a healthy young boy who grows big and strong and ever-more capable.

I'd love your prayers, thoughts, meditations, chants, crossed fingers, sacrificed lambs -- whatever your beliefs call for today.

Just What We All Need

Yup. Yup. 3 days before Eliot's onslaught of chemo Naomi appears to have a cold.

Her nose is running like a faucet. She is a crab apple. From what I can tell she is running a fever.

And of course she is sick. She went to the pediatrician's office on Friday. The nastiest place you could ever take a child.

Great. Just great.

Just. Fucking. Great.

The Bath tub Intestine

You ever notice how you can be completely full and then dessert shows up and all of a sudden you have room - the good ol' dessert stomach is still hungry and very open for business.

Last night we had Isadora, Eliot and Naomi in the bath tub after they romped around in our apparently glass filled urban side walk puddles and Naomi once again pooped in the tub.

She had reportedly filled her diaper nicely twice already yesterday.

Still. Given the warm, relaxing environment of the bath tub she was able to produce a dooker so substantial that its little floating parts were all over the tub before we simple adults could say Lysol.

Nothing in the world gets even close to how much I'd love to know what comes next in life and how grateful I am that I'm clueless about all of it.

Antidepressants

So we made the powerful and scary decision today not to give Eliot antidepressants during this round of steroids.

As much as it would be wonderful if we gave them to him and they helped with all things there are no guarantees.

I talked with a child psychiatrist friend and she said anti-depressants can actually activate kids and make them more agitated and make it hard for them to sleep. Yuck.

The doctors told me today the side-effects tend to be minimal and one that you can count on is that it will irritate Eliot's liver.

Yikes. Everything he is taking will irritate his liver.

They've seen anti-depressants help kids in the past. They say they can do it. They say its a balancing act.

We're going to stick it out without them.

This time around we knew it was coming. I have help for at least a few hours on most days he is on anti-depressants. We weren't all in the hospital for 12 days before they got going this time. Its not Christmas time this time.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Thursday Update

Eliot and I went to the clinic together today. He walked and ran through the tunnels to get there. He walked and ran. He ran from one railing to the next. He was so joyful every time he found another railing.

The first time we took Eliot to the clinic he was so doped up on chemo that he couldn't walk. Its not so much that he wouldn't walk - which has been true on many, many visits to the clinic. He couldn't walk that day.

The steroids were making it hard for him to walk. The vincristine was making it hard for him to walk. And the fact that he'd been in a hospital bed for 12 days was making it hard for him to walk.

Today he ran.

He ran. He ran and laughed.

He pushed the button for the elevator. He collected a little piece of paper on every level of the parking ramp (thank God for those little pieces of paper that tell you which floor you parked on) he giggled. He knew where to go. He was comfortable.

His clinic appointment was uneventful. They took his labs. Tonight he was supposed to get the last of some chemo he has and then start a week break. Because some labs were low they said to go ahead and skip the chemo and just give his body a break.

His liver looks a bit irritated according to his labs so we get a week off his fluconozole which fights infection or something.

So this week he'll take a total of 20 mL of drugs. That's all. No bed time drugs. No morning drugs.

Rejoice!

Next week it will all change.

He'll get a spinal tap. He'll get 2 drugs in his port. He'll start his 3 weeks of steroids.

The next Monday he'll get his scary peg-asperiginase (I'm sure I just spelled that wayyyy wrong) shot.

The next Thursday he'll get more chemo - two more kinds of chemo.

And on that will go for 7 weeks.

He'll probably poof up again. He'll probably loose his hair. He'll probably be crabby and tired.

Sigh.

Today he ran.

He ran.

He ran to the clinic.

Naomi Ruth

It seems I'm always talking about how gross Naomi is. Just the other day I planned to write about how the 16th was the anniversary of her baptism and how we lit a candle and how she is so utterly wonderful and how big she is and how a year ago she spent a lot of time swinging in the swing and how now she is walking and running and boggles my mind. I didn't get to that.

And today I have a gross story. And so here we are right back in Naomi is gross land.

[a word to all parenting critics - I'm not categorizing her yet - she might not be perpetually gross - its just fun to talk about gross stuff - and she provides lots of content in this area]

Today she painted. This is actually a picture Nancy took of her 10 days ago or so.

This is how she looked this morning too.

And yesterday morning.

Exept yesterday she got so much paint in her hair that it was sticking out and Eliot said she had a dragon in her hair.

Naomi is full on gross. She is gross. She plays in the dirt pile we call our back yard. She gets filthy. She gets really filthy. She laughs when Eliot dumps mud and dirt and last falls leaves all over her.

I could change her sheets every day. She gets them dirty just taking a nap.

Tonight she pooped in the tub. Twice.

Yes. She pooped in the tub twice.

The first time I realized it because she was bending over to pick the poop out of the tub.

Mmmm...

Thank goodness the second one came with sound effects.

Bless You..

The whole bed time routine has been re-worked around here by Eliot in the past few weeks. He wants to sleep in Naomi's room and so has been sleeping in the pack-n-play in her room. He doesn't want to do bless you's. He just wants to hang out and laugh with Naomi for about 35 minutes and then pass out and sleep all night long.

Tonight I sneezed and he said, 'bless you Mama' and that turned into me saying 'bless you Eliot' and him saying 'no'. Then he told me to say bless you Naomi and then Daddy and he said 'no' after each one. I went through the whole family and all of the people he blesses when he blesses people.

I bet I went through twenty people. All of his aunts and uncles. Gosh more than 20 people. Every one at church. His cousins. Our neighbors. Their dogs. Everyone. After every single one he said, 'no.'

Then I said, 'bless you worms' -- we've been digging worms (a lot of worms) out of the back yard lately - which is a whole blog post that deserves writing. He got a huge smile on his face and said in his sweetie pie Eliot voice 'bless you worms.' Then. 'Bless you worms in the dirt,' 'bless you worms at home,' 'bless you worms Eliot dug.'

Bless you worms. You defenseless, dirt eating, dirt pooping, always male and female oddities of our urban back yard. Bless you.

Here it Is - Anger

Months ago I wrote here that I wasn't feeling angry about Eliot having cancer.

That's over. I think its probably been over for some time now. I just didn't realize it until last night.

I'm so pissed off.

I'm so angry that Eliot has to suffer. I'm super pissed that his precious life is in danger. I'm angry that he felt sick so long. I'm angry that he'll have to feel sick some more. I'm mad that he has to have spinal taps and take medicine and get poked in his port.

I'm angry that the scheduling people and even worse the check-in people at the clinic can't seem to get their shit together. I'm angry that we always, always wait forever in the waiting room. I'm angry (and I admit this is pretty much stupid) that I've been at the mercy of others - I'm such an independent idiot that its hard for me.

Mostly. Mostly I'm totally full of rage that my baby boy has cancer. I'm pissed that he has fucking leukemia.

And. My heart is broken. Broken all over the place. I can't honestly believe it still pumps blood.

I guess in the Kubler-Ross stages of grief world I've now passed stage 2. Well. Not passed stage two. I've now realized in in stage two. Anger. Anger. Anger. And. Heart break.

I bet it was in this stage that whoever designed this t-shirt on Cafe Press did it. What a precise statement. Beautiful. Just beautiful. Fuck cancer.

How Does Anyone Live to 96

I've been amazed at how much fear is put into the minds and hearts of parents these days. We're told not to put our children to bed on their stomachs because they might die in their sleep. We're told to cut up our hot dogs and grapes and cheese and meat and all other food that might choke them into little tiny pieces until they're at least 32 years old. Or they might die. We're told to helmet and wrist guard and sun screen our children before they ride a bike. Or they might die or at the very least get broken.

I've laughed about a lot of that. Honestly. How did anyone in my generation and certainly others in generations past live to be 6 much less 96 like my Great Aunt Mary did just a week ago. She passed away this week. Which I think in the end was a good thing for her. She was the coolest. She owned a candy store. I mean. Honestly. Is there anyone cooler than someone who actually owned a candy store.

Today I've watched some of the stuff about the shooting at Virginia Tech. I can't really stand to watch. I keep thinking about how Eliot could make it through all of this only someday to have something insane like that happen to him. I keep thinking of Naomi. It seems lately its always the girls they're going after. Sigh.

I know its not worth focusing on. Is a pointless exercise in creating insanity.

Still. Life. It feels fragile. It feels fragile in all of its stubborn sturdiness.

And Then There Were More

Naomi's language continues to expand. She now says bubble, bzzzzz for what a bee says, Mama, Dah dah, Pana for Nana and Papa, some version of Gahhhhhh for Grandma and Grandpa, dahhhhh gee for dog thanks to Henry and Terry's dog Tinker who Naomi loves loves LOVES and of course her first word uh oh.

Oh how screwed are you when your child's first word is uh oh.

We also discovered that Naomi knows who everyone is around her. When asked where Eliot or Daddy or Mama or any number of other people are she looks at them or walks up to them. Even our neighbor Summer seems to be recognized.

These little bits and pieces feel so ordinary and so extraordinary at the same time. Its as if and It think this is true with all kids, she is the one who knows it all and she is just waiting while we figure it out. Not that she knows it all - I mean we're going to have to teach her where her belly button is and all of those other life details. She knows what she knows and isn't trying to show us that she knows it. We just happen to trip over her knowing.

I felt that way with Eliot and I see that with my niece and nephew too. It feels a bit more profound with Naomi because she is my kid and because with Eliot I was there paying rapt attention all the time. Naomi's status as number two and as number two while number one goes through major treatment and her general personality make it so I'm not really there most of the time realizing what she has figured out.

Thursday Update Update

I just got a call from Eliot's doctor and it turns out his labs weren't low. They're doing just great. So I went upstairs just now and gave Eliot the rest of his full dose. So we went from a tiny blip on the radar to no blip at all. He is amazing. He is really amazing.

Why Can't I Read Maps?

I once went garage sale-ing in San Francisco with a friend and so failed at reading the map that she pulled over and grabbed it from me. Literally grabbed the map from me.

I don't know why it is that I can't read the darn things. I can't. I just pretty much can't. Its weird and embarrassing.

They have Eliot's treatment plan layed out for us on a map of sorts and I read it constantly. I pull it out of its file at least once and more like three times a week. I've written the dates that things are happening so many times that I have things crossed out and circled and re-arranged and all crazy.

I read it constantly because I'm often trying to organize our lives around the hard parts.

The funny thing is that as much as I've read it I can't read the stinking thing. I've misinterpreted it in so many odd ways its getting to be. Well. Like trying to find garage sales in nice neighborhoods in San Francisco. Difficult. So difficult that someone should really pull the car over and take this thing out of my hands.

From what I can tell after asking too many questions this morning Eliot's last hurrah - what appears at least to me to be an awfully intense time - begins on April 26.

He will have a spinal tap that day. He'll get 2 types of chemo in his port. He'll get one in his spinal fluid. He'll also start his four weeks of steroids. Oh joy. Oh joy. Oh dear God will I make it through this? Yikes.

His four weeks of steroids will also include four weeks of anti-depressants to hopefully take the edge off. It will include a shot in his leg muscle and four more shots of chemo administered through his port.

Those four delightful weeks will be followed by two weeks which include nine more bits of chemo in his port another spinal tap and a drug given orally that he hasn't had before.

That scary bit of fun (barring any delays and my probable mis-reading of the map) will end June 7. The good news is that is a full three weeks earlier than I anticipated. Lets hope I read this correctly and we don't have any delays.

Thursday Update

We had the joy of a week off last Thursday. Wow. A Thursday morning with no strategic wardrobe that will make it easy to access Eliot's port. No discussion of who will take Eliot and who will stay home. It was wonderful. It was really, really wonderful.

Today we went to Eliot's appointment directly on our way home from a few days break in Duluth. All four of us went to the appointment and Naomi met Eliot's doctors and nurse for the first time.

They continue to be impressed by Eliot's continued health, his willingness to take his medicine easily, his ability to swallow a pill and his general happy state. Eliot even played a lot in the examining room today.

His labs showed that his ANC (I don't have a clue what that is) was a bit low (500 instead of the desired 1000) so we're giving him half the chemo he usually gets. I'm feeling okay about that. Its just a tiny blip on the screen and nothing to be concerned about.

So all continues in a positive and from what we can tell impressive direction. Yeah team!

Update on Our Financial Situation

So we have yet more clarification on what our insurance does and doesn't cover. We'll pay $2000 this year for Eliot PLUS a $12 co-pay on his medicine which is turning out to be about $60 a month and a $25 co-pay for each office visit which will be about $100 a month until July when it will become $25-$50 a month.

So I'm still feeling pretty darn lucky in this area.

If nothing changes - which it always does - I'm guessing once Eliot gets out of this challenging part our monthly costs will be around $100-$125 plus a quarterly bill of around $400 for spinal taps.

We've received - this is a humbling number that makes me take a huge deep breath - $3,733.51 in financial gifts. We have $2414.66 left in that account right now. I laid out in detail what these gifts will be used for in this blog post. We've been fortunate enough to only need to spend $80 of this for babysitting. We've had A LOT of help with babysitting.

Thank you to everyone who has given us their time and food and support and money and prayers. I can't keep up with the thank you notes. Thank you. I'm humbled. I'm amazed. I'm learning so much about what giving really is. Thank you. Thank you. Holy shit. Thank you.

Half Way Through Hell

This past Thursday marked half way through the hardest part of Eliot's treatment. We've passed through the first 2 weeks of hell called being diagnosed and being in the hospital. We've passed the following 2 weeks of being home and steroids. We've passed the next month which included 3 spinal taps. We've passed the month after that (the month that just ended) that was a pretty easy ride. We have another month ahead of us that looks to be another pretty easy deal. We even get a week off. No clinic visit - woot!

Then we have 3 weeks of steroids followed by 3 weeks of a drug Eliot hasn't had. And we have several shots of drugs that look scary to me.

So up ahead we have an easy month and then 2 hard months. Then it will be the end of June. Then we'll get to the thing they call 'maintenance' which goes on and on and on until March of 2010. That's what they call the easy part. Lots of medicine at home. Freedom to go where we please. Clinic appointments once a month from what I can tell. Pretty easy sailing.

We just have to get there.

We just have to get there.

We just have to get there.

We just have to get there.

We just have to get there.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

The ish Part of Back-ish

Yesterday I said I'm back-ish. This morning was all about the back part. Despite a bizarre night of sleep that included waking up to something squeaking in our basement (hmmm...mice being born - lets hope not) I felt good. I went to the church to finally send off the Alleluia Booklet - do sign up if you haven't already. It would bring me great joy. I got a little beat up doing that but it was all in good spirits. I came home. I had a productive afternoon. Then after dinner (and oh how I hate being the only parent around the house after dinner) I looked at Naomi who was contentedly playing by herself while Eliot and I goofed around and I thought to myself 'gosh, I wonder if she is happy.'

That sent me into what I'll call a spiral (which is an overly dramatic term) of feeling sad and wondering about her and Eliot and me and what our general happiness level really is. I know logically we're all doing really well. Still emotionally of course shit comes out of me sideways like this.

I'm not terribly happy. Not at least in a pervasive sort of way. I have happy moments lately which are welcome and happen more often than not. Still. Life is all fucked up right now. Its getting better. Better all the time. Still. Its just not all that awesome. Especially after dinner when I'm done being a mom and still have hours left in the day. I want to want to be with my kids. I don't want to want to be somewhere else. Ah yes. Indeed. Such is the ish of the back-ish.

The Donald Won't Be Sporting The Eliot

The Donald gets to keep his hair. I was so hoping he would follow in Eliot's footsteps - as Eliot once followed in his.

All Done. Bubble. Bzzzzzzzz.

Naomi is having what the child rearing books (and I'm only saying that from a faint memory, I haven't cracked open a child-rearing book in wayyyy too long) refer to as a language explosion.

Yesterday at the end of breakfast (after Naomi threw her entire meal all over the dining room, smeared it in her hair and managed to get some in her diaper) I asked her if she was all done and she looked at me and said, 'all done'. Just like that. A baby talk version of all done. Still. Clearly. All done.

Later she and I were reading her favorite book which has pictures of animals (appropriately she ADORES the piglet in the book) and she pointed to the bubble coming out of the fish's mouth and I said 'bubble' and she said 'bubble.' Bubble. Just like that. Bubble.

When we got to the end of the book she pointed to the bumble bee and I told her a bumble bee says 'bzzzzzzzz' and she said 'bzzzzzzz'. Well she said 'bthththtththththth'. Still. In new-to-talking-language it was clearly bzzzzzzzzz. Her bzzzzzz even comes complete with a Stevie Wonder-esque head move. The whole thing is very bee-ish.

Naomi. Naomi. Good God. Her name gets no where near naming her.

Bless Bowling Keif

Our awesome neighbor Summer had a bowling party fund raiser tonight for her triathlon (can you imagine doing a triathlon???) for which she is raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (you can help her out by clicking on her web site). At the last minute I decided to take the kids and go to the party.

I put my little travelling hand sanitizer thingy on my belt and went for it.

When we got there it was pretty amazing. They had a picture and story about Eliot. They announced that he was there. It was humbling. It was amazing.

Our neighbor Keith who is married to Summer let Eliot come check out his bowling when it was his turn. Eliot asked to have a turn too and Keith got one of those awesome kid ramps and Eliot 'bowled'.

On Keith's next turn he let Eliot have both of his turns.

On the way home I asked Eliot if he would ever want to have a 'bowling with Keith party' and if he did who he would invite. He was quiet for a long time and then said, Keith and Summer and then went through the list of everyone in our family. He was very thoughtful about it.

I have a head ache and am out of the blog groove - so lets just say it was unbelievably amazing and if I felt better I would have actually expressed that.

Here is the kicker. And I know I keep writing about Eliot and his 'bless you's' at night. They're just so wonderful. I can't help myself.

Aron did bless you's with Eliot tonight and one of the bless you's was --- bless bowling --- no. bless bowling with Keif.

Mind boggling. Mind boggling-ly precious.

I'm Back-ish

So the past few weeks have felt like a slow walk out of some bizarre tunnel. I've had a lot more 'free' time (free time for me these days consists mainly of going to the store by myself, or working on a project I like or working or doing laundry - but hey, its time spent without kids hanging on me) lately and I'm actually feeling a bit less burnt out.

I feel like I can breathe again. I can prioritize again. I can laugh again.

I'm still burnt out. I can't bear the idea of actually planning, preparing, cooking and cleaning up a meal. I'm still squirrly after 7 hours alone with the kids (okay, but seriously who wouldn't be I have to ask), I'm still tired, I'm still burnt out.

Yet time away feeds me again. And time with the kids feeds me now too. At least more than it has in a while.

In this new state I hope to eat better and sleep better and blog better. We shall see. We shall see.